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Kill the idealist

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[07 Jul 2008|09:25pm]
 I had to go to them hospital on the 5th and I just got out today, it was bad. I passed out at my friends house and they rushed me in an abluence to the hospital. My blood pressure is apparently too high from stress. I been shaking a lot at night and I have not been able to really sleep in days. I am puking a lot, having hot flashes, head aches, dizzy spells, and really high fevers. The doctor gave me sleeping pills along with several other perscriptions. Everything in my world has come crashing down. I feel like the world is just passing me by. Everything that made me happy got taken away. No one came and saw me in the hospital not even my mom. It was quiet lonely there. I feel as though nothing makes sence anymore. Most of the time I do not even want to be alive. My world is an utter black whole. Nothing makes sence anymore. Nothing is as it seems. Every one sees this happy girl but really I have not been happy in a long time. Why does everyone I say I love you to lie. I loved every single person I have ever told that too. 

The greatest thing you can know is how to love and be loved.

I doubt I'll ever feel that again. Dating is so annoying. I want to meet someone who is real and has been through what I have. I want to meet someone who loves music, movies, video games, art, and who does not mind talking. Someone who will be open and honest with me about there feelings. I through being lied to. I never want to feel that pain again of telling someone I love them, and them lead me on and then tell me they do not love me. I told you everything. Things I have never told anyone because you asked and you lied to me. I feel like a fool. I loved you. Does love even exist? I do not think so. There is no man who loves music as much as I do, who likes movies, extream hiking, travel, hooka, art, singing, dancing, fighting, or anything. There is no one for me here. I wish there was because I miss the touch of a human being. I miss that feeling that you get when you know there somone who you love that loves you back. Although I guess the two times in my life I felt that feeling to was only true on my end. I miss having someone to cook for and bake for. It is just me and it is rather lonely cooking for one. Nothing I can really do except live my life, I suppouse. And now Because of the lay off with my job I am stuck in america. I can't afford to leave this dreadful place. I hate it here I lost everything, my home,. my love, life, my job. Everything.

I am working on a solo black metal project which I have not named yet, mainly just for fun. So far I have written 4 songs.

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The meaning of life. [21 Jun 2008|11:12am]
What is the meaning of life? Is there a god? Is there not a god? How were we formed? Is this all simply a test, or this all Simply a dream? Do you think your actions here on earth will affect you in the after life? Do you not even believe in an after life? Do you believe in karma? Or Do you believe you will be punished in the after life? How do you determine your self to be real, If the self you think is real is intangible. Are all realities existing side by side. Who are you? Why are you here? This a good video to get you mind working.. What's your opinion?
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[13 Jun 2008|01:36pm]
This is one of the reasons I am leaving Paul who recently told me he loved me and all this other blah blah bull shit has been writting love letters to his ex girl friend and leaving them in his journal which he knows I read. I feel like he is posting them purpously for me to read. There are about 15 of them. And recently paul's best friend Chris called me and told me paul was going to break up with me for his ex avery if she would take him back... Chris worries about me allot because he know I really care for paul. But I can't take being the other women. And chris knows this.

Here is the letter

a letter to a dear friend...
June 12, 2008, 05:10:pm

[Friends Only]

you used to be my world, my everything. not only the women i loved, but my best friend in the whole world. someone i could talk to, seek comfort from. someone i could always count on and trust. you were always there and i guess i took it for granted. i tried to be all of these things to you, but i know i failed to do so.

from the day i met u there was some uncontrollable force that just beamed from you and made me smile, and my heart skip...somehow against my very nature i seemed to open up to you and the person i was changed into something different. you knew who i was, you accepted me, and you loved me still for it.

somewhere along the way, i changed again for the worse, i broke us. from my childish thoughts that drove u to leave me, to my jealous and overbearing tendencies that sprang out from the darkness like some demon of the night. i ruined it all. i ruined what was so great and perfect, and meant everything to me.

ive pushed you away so badly we dont even really speak anymore. you went from the center of my world, to my best friend, to just a friend, to now just barely someone i know.

i have only on promise i made to you left that i havnt failed to keep. and to break it means not only the end of me but that you will surly curse and hate the man you used to love. each day it grows harder and harder to keep...

im not sure why it got this bad, but i know i am to blame. and im sorry. i know you have heard this all a million times. but i do love you. i do want you in my life. in whatever way suits you best. i will never stop caring, and i will never stop loving, even if the only place i can is in my mind.

ive never known happiness and love like i did with you, and i doubt i ever really will again. take care of yourself. and live your life the way you wish. just remember there is always someone who loves you, who always will, someone that will welcome you with open arms, and forgiving eyes.i wish you all the you deserve, may you live forever in happiness.

all my love,
- paul
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A letter from Dr. Chris lol [14 May 2008|11:53am]
This is a letter from my dear friend Who is a self dubed doctor.. So here we go some random from the lovely Dr. Chris.

Dear Kat,

I spent the better part of this morning pondering how cool I am. I mean, come on! Does it get any better than my super sized ego? I could sink the earth with this bad boy! Somehow, twirling a cane around, swashbuckling, and insulting minorites just makes my decade!

Oh, and for the record, I must tell you that Paul is a demonic entity (read: succubus) that I conjured when I accidently mispronounced a word out of my copy of the Necromonicon. Yes, I was trying to summon a skeletal warlord to make me sandwhiches, but instead, you got an uber boyfriend, so things seemed to work out okay. I didn't know what to do with the runes I used, so I gave them to a homeless man after dousing them in holy water and repenting my sins.

Hopefully he'll use his strong connections to hell to free my surely damned soul after late night Wal*Mart runs, chock full o' playa hating.

I'm planning a grand expedition, to parts unknown. Macedonia is a large and wild place, and it needs to be documented. In the ways of Dr. Livingston, we need to act quickly! There's several miles of uncharted commons to document, and we need to do so, post haste! Gather your pillaging supplies, 19th century British khaki explorer's uniform, your demon chixor, and a rather large boat, and we'll get right on it. Target-AHOY!

P.S. Don't forget fruits and veggies to prevent scurvy.

P.P.S And make sure we prepare for zombies.

P.P.S.S. And bring vials of blood and adolescent sacrifices for Paul. Or should I use his real name of Innoroshulixxi Ghnaralishhi.

P.P.P.S.S. Note to self: Build wisecracking robot side-kick.

P.P.P.S.S.S. Another note to self: Secure Necromonicon from tampering by inquisitive neighbor children.

P.P.P.P.S.S.S. Vikings are almost as cool as pirates.

P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S. Hinga Dinga Durgen.

P.P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S. See above.

P.P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S.S Anon.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S.S. Adieu.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S.S.S. That's french for "goodbye"
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[16 Apr 2008|10:22am]
I may not go to Beltaine if Diana is not going I really don't wanna go myself. Like I am not saying it in a bad way but Markie just wants to go for the swords he really doesn't care about anything else. 
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My pets [28 Mar 2008|01:36pm]

This is thor he is my newest cat. He is really tiny about 6 inches long. He is a Rescue Kitten



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[22 Feb 2008|02:04pm]
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=) [21 Jan 2008|09:11am]
I keep spiraling down on this emotional rollercoaster. I just want to be useful and do something good. I am in the process of going back to school to be a nurse. But how can I do something where people are suppose to believe in me. When I can't even believe in myself anymore. I have little hope left anymore. The only hope I have rest in him he makes me feel happy and wanted.
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[12 Jan 2008|09:43pm]
Again I ask did everyone get there yule cards , in the yule swap??
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[09 Jan 2008|04:38pm]

HOLY FUCK IN A BOX MY 4 FAVORITE BANDS ONE TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More dates have been released for the “Pagan Fest USA” North American tour next year that will feature ENSIFERUM, TURISAS, TYR, and ELUVEITIE:

April 25 - Toronto, ON @ The Opera House
April 26 - Montreal, QC @ Medley
April 27 - Worchester, MA @ The Palladium
April 28 - Springfield, VA @ Jaxx
April 29 - Cleveland, OH @ Peabody’s
April 30 - Detroit, MI @ Harpo’s
May 1 - Chicago, IL @ Chicago Powerfest
May 3 - Denver, CO @ Cervantes
May 5 - Seattle, WA @ Studio Seven
May 6 - Portland, OR @ Hawthorne Theater
May 7 - Sacramento, CA @ The Boardwalk
May 10 - Orange County, CA @ California MetalFest
May 11 - Phoenix, AZ @ The Cell Block
May 14 - Tulsa, OK @ Crush Lounge
May 15 - Fort Worth, TX @ Ridglea Theater
May 16 - San Antonio, TX @ The White Rabbit
May 17 - Houston, TX @ Java Jazz
May 22 - New York, NY @ B.B. King Blues Club

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Friend only [09 Jan 2008|01:35pm]

Comment to be added Please.

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SANTA whom I don't belive in I also don't belive in your holiday. [27 Nov 2007|05:12pm]

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Friday I pulled over and changed [info] prusiaf77's flat tire (15 points). Last month I stole [info] lolita_handbook's purse (-30 points). Last Saturday [info] faunkegin and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In January I put money in [info] sarhaclembys's expired parking meter (14 points). In July I gave [info] avant_gauche a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points).

Overall, I've been nice (60 points). For Christmas I deserve an Easy-Bake Oven!

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Buyer and Seller feedback [30 Mar 2007|07:43pm]
Okay If anyone has bought from me or I bought from you please post feedback about how did thank you.
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